Monday, August 31, 2009


I got nothing. really. Came back from vacation a week ago and just have been playing catch up.
School starts for the tribe next week, fantasy drafts all this week, and out everyday this week spending money on the kids for school supplies and other "fall" stuff.

The Borgata Open starts up in two weeks. I'll be covering that along with Al and Gorilla again. I also have some big Charity events coming up as well.

I just don't feel like writing about any of it. I'm in a slump I think. Nothing excites me anymore. There's a lot of things happening with the business that should be interesting to write about. Many things I have heard and read about in the online poker world that needs to be deciphered that could be interesting. I'm just not into it. Who knows. Maybe in a week I'll feel better.

Monday, August 24, 2009


Winston Puts a Bad Beat on Hunger

You could say Roy Winston winning the Put a Bad Beat on Hunger tournament was a cheesy ending to a cliched Hollywood script, but organizers wouldn't want it any other way.

Winston, one of two notable professional poker players in the field, beat amateur Marc Eckert of Robbinsville, NJ to win the top prize which included an entry into the Borgata Poker Open Main Event.

"Having Roy win is the best thing that could've happened for us," said Roberta MacDonald of Cabot Creamery Cooperative, which sponsored the tournament. "He's a recognizable player and when he plays in the main event, he'll continue to bring attention to our cause."

Cabot, best known for it's line of cheese, partnered with Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa to help support the Community Food Bank of New Jersey, Southern Branch. "We're looking forward to a very long relationship with Cabot," said Margie Barham, Executive Director of the Southern Branch, who was estatic with this unique first time event.

In addition to receiving a $20,000 donation from Cabot, the food bank collected donations from the players, including half the prize money won by Winston. "I played really well," he said. "I'm glad to help."

Winston has also pledged a portion of any money he wins during Borgata's September Main Event. "I'm stunned by the generosity of the players who continue to make donations to the food bank from their winnings," said MacDonald, Cabot's Senior Vice President of Marketing."

The field featured Steve Dannenmann, the 2005 WSOP runner-up and first year pro James Boyle. Borgata regulars Jason Warriner and Ahmad Wardak also played and everyone was excited to have a chance at the top prize.

"I'll take the seat, that's what I really want," said Warriner while sampling some Seriously Sharp Cheddar Cabot cheese during a break. "A chance to play for a $2 million prize pool at a televised final table. You can't go wrong there."

"It's really good cheese, I think I've had 12 helpings," joked Evelyn Ankers who made a last minute decision to make the trip to Atlantic City from suburban Philadelphia. "I just got moved to Dannenmann's table. I'm thrilled I get to play with a pro. That's worth the price of admission right there."

Ankers thrill was even more intense when she played against Winston at the final table. She was one of three woman at the table on her way to finishing 5th.

Eckert also made a late decision to play in the tournament after he initially started playing at one of Borgata's cash tables. "I signed up today," he said, and with his second place winnings will consider playing in the main event. "The opportunity is there, I have some time to decide."

All of the top seven finishers made a donation to the food bank which serves thousands of impoverished families in Cape May, Atlantic, Cumberland and Burlington Counties. "You can make an immediate impact in someone's life," said Barham. "You give them food and make a difference right then and there. Times are tough and people need our services."

Winston isn't only impressed with what the food bank does, but also how the Cabot Cooperation works. "The more you hear about the co-op the more you like it," he said. "It sounds like a great system with 1,300 farms owning Cabot. The more I've learned, the more pleased I am to be a part of this."

And the organizers are glad he's part of it as well. "I'll be cheering for him," said Barham as everyone looks ahead to the Main Event.

And who knows, the sequel might even be bigger and better. Winston won the Borgata Poker Open Main Event in 2007 and would love another title, another donation and more awareness for the food bank.

Winston, Barham & MacDonald

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Bad beats in poker are like opinions, everyone has one. Players will quickly lament the times they were victimized, but rarely do they brag about dishing out a bad beat.

That all changes this Thursday at Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa, as it teams up with Cabot Creamery Cooperative to Put a Bad Beat on Hunger, as they stage a unique tournament.

The Vermont based organization, best known for Cabot Cheese, is looking for hundreds of bad beat stories, one from every player who turns out to play in the Atlantic City event benefiting the Community Food Bank of New Jersey, Southern Branch.

Cabot's Senior Vice President of Marketing, Roberta MacDonald, is excited about this first time venture, "we make food and want to help others who give food away," she said.

MacDonald and a dozen Cabot Creamery representatives were at Wednesday's kickoff reception, along with food bank dignitaries and state officials. Also on hand were professional poker players Steve Dannenmann and Roy "The Oracle" Winston.

"Most people go to their refrigerator and there's food in it," said Dannnenmann the 2005 WSOP runner-up, "but some people don't have a refrigerator or even a place to call home. These are tough times and it’s nice to give something back and help others make ends meet.”

The Southern Branch of the New Jersey Food Bank is the lifeline for thousands of impoverished families in Cape May, Atlantic, Cumberland and Burlington Counties. Last year the branch gave out 5.1 million pounds of food, a 29% increase from the previous fiscal year. It's great the bank is helping those in need, but it's alarming that the numbers continue to climb.

"We're very thankful of Cabot," said Margie Barham, Executive Director of the Southern Branch, "they're a valuable resource in our fight against hunger." Barham added that this time of year is when food bank supplies are at their lowest and the current economy is making things worse than usual.

In addition to hosting the Put a Bad Beat on Hunger tournament, Cabot donated $20,000 to the Food Bank. "We not only want to contribute financially, but we also want to bring awareness to people in need," said MacDonald.

"You see (the charity event) Ante Up for Africa, but we have our own problems at home and right here in New Jersey." She added, "if it were up to me, we'd be doing this in every poker room across the country."

As a cooperative, farmers own Cabot Creamery and 100% of the profits go to the dairy farmers who help make the cheese. That same philosophy impacts how the co-op spends its money on marketing and advertising. Instead of using the $20,000 on a big ad campaign or a catchy new jingle, Cabot Creamery feels it gets more value by donating the money to the food bank.

Members of the Community Food Bank of New Jersey, Southern Branch accept Cabot's $20,000 donation.

"I think it's a great event," said Winston, the 2007 Borgata Poker Open Main Event Champion. "I've had a good life as a doctor and as a poker player, and anytime I can give back I try to do it," and added, "this is a cause I believe in, I'm glad to be here."

Thursday's tournament starts at 2 pm and is a $300 entry fee ($260 + $40). Dannenmann and Winston will both be in the field competing with Borgata regulars. As an added prize pool bonus, Cabot is tacking on to first place an entry into the Main Event of Borgata's Poker Open in September, a $3,500 value.

"We're going to introduce hundreds of poker players to the world's best cheese and once they taste it they'll want to go home and buy it," boasted MacDonald.

During Wednesday’s reception Cabot honored local ShopRite stores for their contributions to the Southern Branch of the food bank. “Without them we couldn’t provide the services that we do,” said Barham.

We've all heard the story of how the villain hit a two-outer on the river, ending the hero's day. But what about the story of a single mother of two children who depends on food banks for day to day survival?

Cabot Cooperative and the New Jersey Food Banks know it all too well and Thursday they're hoping to hear a lot of bad beat stories at Borgata as they try to send hunger to the rail.

(Gorilla's blog)

Weight loss challenge punks

For all ya'll participating in the weight loss challenge, I found a site.

The Daily Burn will allow you to build a whole workout program, nutrition, tracking, challenges with friends, and even widgets for your blog. It's a totally free site.

If you want, jump on and we can track each others progress or even set up the challenge there.


Friday, August 14, 2009

Go Mike Vick, Goooo!

Well well well... looks as if the Eagles have surprised everyone and did an end around to secure Mike Vick. The criminal of all criminals who rousted a few dogs for nothing more than pure gambling entertainment.

Yes, I think that's deplorable. Yes, I think he is a scum bag for doing so. No, I don't think he gets a pass. And No, I won't be talking about it anymore. He served his time. What I do want to talk about is how his presence will affect the teams ability to confuse defenses.

I doubt he will ever see a snap behind center. Did you know his best completion percentage for any one year matched Donovan's lowest? Yes, QB will not be the spot for Mr. Vick. But you will see him in the slot, the back field, or perhaps even TE.

The point is, he will be used in a capacity to be able to take advantage of his explosiveness on the field.

I've listened to a lot of talking heads, I've read a lot of columns, I watched the press conference from the Eagles. My assumption is that this was more or less a favor to Dungy. Dungy has history here in Philadelphia, and Reid made mention of that many times in his press conference. Goodall also was mentioned as having "stood on the table" for Vick and his character when asked by the organization about his penance and attititude.

In the very least, it wil be entertaining. I know it was said that McNabb lobbied for this to happen as well, so don't go spouting off about the problems he will produce in the locker room. The players seem to be behind this.

For now, I like the pick. Of course, I reserve judgement for after week 6.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Christ, you can take a drop and hole out with a wedge!

That's right Ladies and Gentlemen. This is PGA Championship week. The least of the four majors, unfortunately for the event, but nonetheless, still a Major. It is also the last one of the calendar year, and for most casual fans of golf, the end as well.

This year has some pretty week story lines. Usually there is some sort of ridiculousness surrounding the one of the three previous major winners. Someones final shot at a major, someones final shot at redempetion, someones final shot at winning all four in their lifetime.

Of course this year is Tiger. His last chance to win a Major this year, which has pretty much been touted as a pretty dismal year. Go figure, cause the last time I checked, he has won 5 times this year so far. I guess that's not up to Tiger's "par" because some of the articles written and some of the broadcasts I've watched have been silly.

One guy said on a broadcast that Tiger has been one of the biggest disappointments this year. Well look. Don't be an asshole. As I said, the guy has won 5 times this year. And that's a year coming off of knee surgery. His 4th. There are recognizable pro names out there that haven't won that many events in their CAREER, let alone one year, and all of a sudden, Tiger's a disappointment. I love it. Good Christ, the guy is up for player of the year, and you have some douche bags calling it a disappointment. Save me your bullshit Johhny. He's not a god. Just an exceptional human being on the course. Give him credit for Christ's sake.

So that then becomes the story for the week. Will Tiger win his last shot at a major for '09. A big part of that story will be if he wins, it takes him 2 back from grabbing his coveted 19th major. 19 surpasses Nichlaus's record and launches Tiger into... well, he's already there. But it will be the completion of the goal he has strived for since he started this whole mess.

What it does for the media is give them a clock. At which major will he surpass Jack? The stories will be relentless next year.

Another big story is the course itself. This year it is playing rather long. How long? 7600 yards long. Wanna know what the average length from the tips at most golf courses are across the Divided states are (political joke)? How about 6400. A professional tournament averages closer to 6800 yards. So this time around they have a nother 800 yards to contend with.

How does that shape up for the players? Well, 3 of the 4 par 5's are more than 600 yards. And there is one par 4 (the 12th) that is 518 yards. The bigger hitters will have an advantage. Not much of one, because they still have to putt. But one none the less.

Byron Nelson, who was Tiger like before Tiger's dad even fingered his first girlfriend believed that you couldn't putt until you got the ball to the green. A little different thought process than the 'ole "drive for show, putt for dough" slogan, but nonetheless important.

I believe that there will be some good stories this week. People will be hammering the ball away. When that happens extrordinarily good things will happen for some, while others will struggle.

Sergio Garcia is always a favorite of mine. I root for him week in and week out with the loyalty of a dog without as much as any reciprication from his success. I don't know why, but I have always loved this kid. His issues this year stem from heartbreak. And he has admittedly said so. His little piece of ass, Morgan Leigh Norman (Gregg Normans daughter) ditched him early in the spring, and he hasn't recovered. Poor little guy. I think it's been long enough to recover and I hope he punishes the little white ball as if it were her ass. If he can keep it straight, and make the putts that he never could beforem, his length and short game should give him a huge chance.

Of course you have some old schoolers out there playing this week as well. Mark Brooks, Davis Love, and I think David Toms will be playing again. All past champions. Paul Azinger, fresh off of his suspension from last year's event. Why? cause he withdrew from a tournament last July saying he was hurt, but ended up at a table in the World Series of Poker. HAHAHAHAHA! Love's him some gambool.

Freddy Couples is playing (my favorite of all time), Bob Estes who got in as an alternate yesterday. Woody austin, Jim Furyk. They're all there. Christ, even Corey Pavin is playing. It will certainly make for a good view.

Tiger has won the PGA 4 times in his career. All 4 of them back to back. Twice in '06 and '07, and twice before in '99 and '00.

That means if he is to win this week, it's a good calculation that he might win next year. (That and the fact that he's only the best golfer to ever play the game). Those things combined would mean that one major win in between now and then would put them at a tie. (Tiger has 17, Jack has 20; counting US Amateur Championships for both as well). Jack has 73 lifetime wins, and Tiger has 69.

If Tiger can win this week, it will certainly make for next years season an incredible one to watch. The passing of the torch if you will. I will assume by watching Tiger his whole career that he will not just tip toe across the finish line either. I can imagine a complete and utter domination of those records next year. I wouldn't be surprised if he won all 4 Majors, (first to do so ever, even though he was held all 4 trophies at once) and about 7-10 other wins. I wouldn't be surprised if he went out and destroyed Byron Nelsons record of 11 straight (actually 12 but the last one wasn't a sanctioned PGA event, so it didn't count).

Yes, into today's field it seems almost insurmountable to accomplish. But we are talking about one of the greatest talents, the greatest competitors, of our lifeftime. I'm hoping for Sergio this weekend. I don't know why either. I just like the kid. But Tiger wouldn't be a surprise, nor would it be unwelcome. Oh and Freddy winning, or at least contending, wouldn't be bad either.

In the very least, even if you are just a casual fan of golf, the course set up will be worth the watch. Monster drives will be all over the place this week. It will certainly be one to enjoy.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Borgata has got it all right

During the first week of August, Mohegan Sun had held a mini Poker Summer event. It was a good event with several tournaments, but the main event was to be a $2k buy-in, $750k guarantee.

The Borgata also had their $1500 ($1650 with fee), $500k guarantee. Now, The Borgata has ran this going on 2 years now. It has always been successful. Very successful. But traveling in my group of players, they had all mentioned that Mohegan was going to get their shot. Meaning they had all decided to go give this place a try. These are the guys who play for a living I am talking about. The guys who play from the circuit.

But that didn't happen. Mohegan ended up short. I think 279 players entered the event producing an overlay of $250k. I'm not shitting on Mohegan here. I like the place. It's gourgeous. What I am pointing out is the fact that the Borgata, on he same weekend had 960 + players show up at their guarantee, and produced a much larger purse with less of a guarantee.

Now, Mohegan is fairly new, and maybe they haven't figured out their strategy just yet to market their tournaments effectively. The only way I knew about it was through some billboards I passed on the way down to AC and the players talking about it in the Borgata Poker room. But that's it.

In a month, the Borgata will be hosting another Borgata Poker Open. The WPT will be there again, and it is a 15 day event. The schedule starts September 9th and goes through the 23rd with a total of 21 events.

The main event is a $3300 + $200 entry NLHE event. The big thing about it... It's a $2 million guarantee. The other big thing about it? It's a WPT televised event. Now think about that. A WPT televised event, and the buy-in is only $3500.

It is a lower than expected buy-in for such a well televised event. But I would bet you that the total purse will crack the top 15 of largest purses in WPT history. Even when they has 2004 with every tournament being a 10k entry. Now, this will exclude the $25k championship event they hold at the Bellagio every year, but I don't count that because the field there is mostly the top names. But even so, it still may come close. Why? Because the Borgata gets it.

The WPT does NOT tell the hosting casino which tournament to hold, and which buy-ins to play for. That is entirely up to the Casino. Now, I will assume that the WPT might have some say in the matter, as far as them thinkning that they can exert some pressure. As in, "hey, do it this way or we aren't coming". The Borgata doesn't need the WPT. They operate based on their knowledge of the industry which would include analyzing past events, industry events, and keeping in touch with the players. This is what makes them the best.

They didn't pull this number out of the air. The number was chosen based off of the data they got from all points of view. We will be down there again bringing you the reporting on the Borgata blog. Al will be with me this time around, fresh off his WSOP stint. Lacey Jones will be hanging with us for a while and Gorilla will be bringing his insight again as well.

I'll have more info about this as the month gets longer. It will certainly be a very good event with some very cool tournaments to play in. I know there will also be some heavy hitters this time around. The $3500 price for the main event is stirring up a lot of talk within the ranks of the professionals. I spoke to some last night about it, and they are excited.

Atlantic city is not a favorite destination of the top players. But they come anyway. The funny thing about it is why it's not a favorite place. The biggest of which is the ease of getting there. Usually having to fly into Philly, get a car service (which is another hour ride to), and then getting back.

It doesn't seem that this will play a part this time around. Won't even be a thought really. They price point is hitting the sweet spot. It will certainly be exciting to be there.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

sicko blog post... this is from the blog of the killer from Pittsburgh yesterday. I think they took it down already so read quickly.

George Sodini
Age 48.
DOB 9/30/1960
DOD 8/4/2009
5-10, 155 lbs.
Never married.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania USA

Why do this?? To young girls? Just read below. I kept a running log that includes my thoughts and actions, after I saw this project was going to drag on.

November 5, 2008:
Planned to do this in the summer but figure to stick around to see the election outcome. This particular one got so much attention and I was just curious. Not like I give a flying fcuk who won, since this exit plan was already planned. Good luck to Obama! He will be successful. The liberal media LOVES him. Amerika has chosen The Black Man. Good! In light of this I got ideas outside of Obama's plans for the economy and such. Here it is: Every black man should get a young white girl hoe to hone up on. Kinda a reverse indentured servitude thing. Long ago, many a older white male landowner had a young Negro wench girl for his desires. Bout' time tables are turned on that shit. Besides, dem young white hoez dig da bruthrs! LOL. More so than they dig the white dudes! Every daddy know when he sends his little girl to college, she be bangin a bruthr real good. I saw it. "Not my little girl", daddy says! (Yeah right!!) Black dudes have thier choice of best white hoez. You do the math, there are enough young white so all the brothers can each have one for 3 or 6 months or so.

December 22, 2008:
Time is moving along. Planned to have this done already. I will just keep a running log here as time passes. Many of the young girls here look so beautiful as to not be human, very edible. After joining this gym, started lifting weights and like it. Much info about weight programs, diet etc on the web. Or anything for that matter. Instead of TV I can Google for hours to relax. TV and most movies are dull.

December 24, 2008:
Moving into Christmas again. No girlfriend since 1984, last Christmas with Pam was in 1983. Who knows why. I am not ugly or too weird. No sex since July 1990 either (I was 29). No shit! Over eighteen years ago. And did it maybe only 50-75 times in my life. Getting to think that a woman now would just, uh, get in the way of things. Isolated. I have extra money and enjoy traveling, too, wtih my 25-30 days of vacation. LA was the best! But going alone is not too fun. Invited to a party on Christmas day tomorrow. Seems about 15-25 people will actually show. I like her parties; I can meet new people and talk. Got the next 8 days off. I should have exit plan done and practiced by then. I know nothing will change, no matter how hard I try or what goals I set.

December 28, 2008:
Glad I stayed around. All these days off are great. I will shoot for Tuesday, January 6, 2009, at maybe 8:15. I have list of to-do items to make.

December 29, 2008:
Just got back from tanning, been doing this for a while. No gym today, my elbow is sore again. I actually look good. I dress good, am clean-shaven, bathe, touch of cologne - yet 30 million women rejected me - over an 18 or 25-year period. That is how I see it. Thirty million is my rough guesstimate of how many desirable single women there are. A man needs a woman for confidence. He gets a boost on the job, career, with other men, and everywhere else when he knows inside he has someone to spend the night with and who is also a friend. This type of life I see is a closed world with me specifically and totally excluded. Every other guy does this successfully to a degree. Flying solo for many years is a destroyer. Yet many people say I am easy to get along with, etc. Looking back, I owe nothing to desirable females who ask for anything, except for basic courtesy - usually. Looking back over everything, what bothers me most is the inability to work towards whatever change I choose.

December 30, 2008:
While driving I radio surfed to a talk show. The caller was a 30ish black man who was describing the despair in certain black communities. According to him, life is cheap there because you are going to die anyway when you get old. It is the quality of life that is important, he said. If you know the past 40 years were crappy, why live another 30 crappy years then die? His point was they engage in dangerous behavior which tends to shorten the lifespans, to die now and avoid the next 30 crappy years, using my example. The host got sarcastic and ended the call instead of trying understanding his point. Agreement wasn't necesary. I put music back on. But it was an interesting, and useful point for me to hear.

December 31, 2008:
My anger and rage is largely gone since I began lifting weights. Lifting drains me but I still have energy. Somebody else suggested running but that did not help me. I guess strenuous exercise is necesary for a man. So I just learned that now at 48. Maybe 30 years later than I would have liked. My dad never (not once) talked to me or asked about my life's details and tell me what he knew. He was just a useless sperm doner. Don't know why, find it fun talking to young kids when I visit someone. Brother was actually counter-productive and would try to embarase me or discourage my efferts when persuing things, esp girls early on (teen years). Useless bully. Result is I am learning basics by trial and error in my 40s, followed by discuragement. Seems odd, but thats true. Writing all this is helping me justify my plan and to see the futility of continuing. Too embarassed to tell anyone this, at almost 50 one is expected to just know these things.
I hope it doesn't snow on Tuesday. Just thought of that. The crowd will be thin so I would postpone. Shit!

Now that I am on the topic of family and people I know, I might as well make a summary of sorts to show where things stand. This is New Years Eve I have time, no date tonight of course, so:

Honorable mention:

Tetelestai Church in Pittsburgh, PA - "Be Ye Holy, even as I have been Ye holy! Thus saith the lord thy God!", as pastor Rick Knapp would proclaim. Holy shit, religion is a waste. But this guy teaches (and convinced me) you can commit mass murder then still go to heaven. Ask him. Call him at (724) 325-2655. If no answer there, he should still live at 439 9th Street, Oakmont, PA 15139. In any case, guilt and fear kept me there 13 long years until Nov 2006. I think his crap did the most damage. Their web site:

Mum - The Central Boss. 717 Highview Road, Pgh PA 15234. Don't piss her off or she will be mad and vindictive for years. She actually thinks she's normal. Very dominant. Her way and only her way with no flexibility toward everyone in the household. A power and control thing. People outside the immediate family like her. Why are people vicious with their closest ones? She is the Boss above all other Bosses.

Michael Sodini - A Boss, my brother (Mike Sodini) 216 Horseshoe Dr, Mars PA - Always the big bully, twice the size of most others. When he bullied or harassed someone, it was the other person who "deserved it". It was always about him. Way to self absorbed, too. Still is. Used to like to embarrass guys in front of their girlfriends. Lots of other shit. Kind of guy you actually loved to hate. The biggest, most self-centered jagoff I know. He took those bullying "skills" into the business world and is doing good financially. He is a big wheel only in his mind. Most people can see thru all his manipulation. He calls only when he wants something.

Sherry - sister - More of a victim than anything. Copes by exercising much control over her adult children. We used to be close until her control of L & D caused a conflict. Never the same after.

David - neph, sis's son (girlfriend Mallory Squires). Good young guy, though.

Lisa - niece, sis's daught. Attractive, smart, emotional - all good YW qualities.


Andy Pulkowski - I have been in barrooms and church groups. The worst people by far are the religious types. Especially a right-wing, stiff-faced fundie like Andy. A condescending, demeaning, passive-aggresive person. Frigid, rigid, linear and totally inflexible. Being a very serious person, he cannot hide his frown-lined face. He better not try to smile; lest his face might crack. I knew children of parents who grew up in strict religious homes. Religion has a certain stink to it of guilt, shame, fear, and that moral standard that always contradicts the natural tendencies and desires of a person. Therin lies the conflict. Young person cannot experiment with things to decide on their own and establish their own parameters. So they tend to cut loose and really rebel much worse than the average young person. Ma and Pa never know what goes on. They easily BS their parents because they want to believe their little one is an angel. Andy has a young daughter Bethany Pulkowski away at college, High Point University. I saw her picture on his desk. She's your basic, attractive, young girl. Please reread my entry made on Nov 5th. That's only one thing she can do. You Andy types out there need to further strengthen your strict resolve and do more of the same thing! Because those girls were great when I recall my college years! She is someone's (or many guy's) little hoe now, I am sure.

Another point about andy. How can someone be cold, vicious, sarcastic and generally nasty ALL THE TIME and then make the claim about their church life and how good they are? Total hypocritical idiots.

That's all for now. That felt good.

Let's continue...

January 5, 2009:
Was at the gym to lift. Very crowded. Tomorrow should be good. There is a woman there that gives me a certain look every time I am there. I decided to walk over and make a comment about the crowds but she left when I finished the exercise. Better that I do not get sidetracked from tomorrow's plan anyways. Life is just playing games. One or two dates with her, then the end. No matter how many changes I try to make, things stay the same. Every evening I am alone, and then go to bed alone. Young women were brutal when I was younger, now they aren't as much, probably because they just see me just as another old man.
I see twenty something couples everywhere. I see a twenty something guy with a nice twentyish young women. I think those years slipped right by for me. Why should I continue another 20+ years alone? I will just work, come home, eat, maybe do something, then go to bed (alone) for the next day of the same thing. This is the Auschwitz Syndrome, to be in serious pain so long one thinks it is normal. I cannot wait for tomorrow!

January 6, 2009:
I can do this. Leaving work today, I felt like a zombie - just going thru the motions. Get on the bus, get the car, drive home.....My mind is screwed up anymore, I can't concentrate at work or think at all.
This log is not detailed. It is only for confidence to do this. The future holds even less than what I have today.
It is 6:40pm, about hour and a half to go. God have mercy. I wish life could be better for all and the crazy world can somehow run smoother. I wish I had answers. Bye.

It is 8:45PM: I chickened out! Shit! I brought the loaded guns, everything. Hell!

April 24, 2009:
Early last month, we had our second general layoff. I survived. First one was in November. When I began 10 years ago, that used to be a nice place to work. I understand the need to reduce staff when times sour, but this is out of proportion to the economic problems at this time. The economy is shrinking by about 4-5%. They decided not to pay Christmas bonus - for staff that amounts to about 8% of yearly pay. Well, OK. Plus no yearly "merit" raise, another 3.5%. That totals to about 11% cut. Plus two layoffs of 5% staff in each case. Do the math. I know this firm is using this downturn as an excuse to take advanage of a bad situation and kill jobs UNNECESSARILY. The second layoff people who actually did work were let go. We all need to pick up the slack so the company can cut beyond what is necesary. Wasn't going to mention it, because of all this shit, it is K&L Gates, the large law firm headquartered here in Pittsburgh. Just call it K&L Gates Corporation. Most people there are OK and I would never have a shoot 'em up there. They paid me for 10 years, so far!

I predict I won't survive the next layoff. That is when there is no point to continue. RIght now, life is bearable and I can get by indefinitely. Something bad must happen. The paycheck is all I have left. The future holds nothing for me. Twenty five years of nothing fun. I never even spent one weekend with a girl in my life, even at my own place. Also unlikely to find another similar job. I guess then is when I take care of things. I don't have kids, close friends or anything. Just me here. If you have nothing, you have nothing to lose.

I enjoy writing these entries, I have no plans to go back and edit or even read most stuff already written. If you get bored, just click that "x" at the top, right corner of your browser. Bye.

May 4, 2009:
I was so eager to do this last year. The big problem on my mind now is that my job will end soon. One project is being transistioned to another. The other one I am solely responsible, but is being fast tracked to production. I estimate maybe a month. I am not ready for the job market. I am ok what I do, a .NET software developer. Not at the top of the class, but I do a good job. I survived two general layoffs and other little layoffs they are having but keeping quiet about. I hear things.

The problem is I feel too good now to do this but too bad to enjoy life. I know I will never enjoy life. This is an over 30 year trend. Some people are happy, some are miserable. It is difficult to live almost continuously feeling an undercurrent of fear, worry, discontentment and helplessness. I can talk and joke around and sound happy but under it all is something different that seems unchangable and a permanent part of my being. I need to realize the details of what I never accomplished in life and to be convinced the future is merely a continuation of the past - WHICH IT ALWAYS has been. I am making a list of items that will provide motivation to do the exit plan, it won't be published. I always had hope that maybe things will improve especially if I make big attempts to change my life. I made many big changes in the past two years but everything is still the same. Life is over. Even though I look good, dress well, well groomed - nails, teeth, hair, etc. Who knows.

What is it like to be dead? I always think I am forgetting something, that's one reason I postponed. Similar to when you leave to get in your car to go somewhere - you hesitate with a thought: "what am I forgetting?". In this case, I cannot make a return trip!

I like to write and talk. Ironic because I haven't met anybody recently (past 30 years) who I want to be close friends with OR who want to be close friends with me. I was always open to suggestions to what I am doing wrong, no brother or father (mine are useless) or close friend to nudge me and give it bluntly yet tactfully wtf I am doing wrong. A personal coach or someone who knows what he is doing would be perfect. Money is highly secondary for a solution.

May 5, 2009:
To pull the exit plan off, it popped into my mind to just use some booze. I want to do this before I get laid off, for reasons not worth mentioning but don't seem to have the balls. After the gym, I stopped at Shop N Save and got a fifth of vodka and a small bottle of Jack Daniels. I haven't had a drink since September 1, 1988, just over 20 years. It doesn't matter now, I need to use it to take the edge off of carrying out the exit plan. I will be taking some every now and then to get used to it and see if the alcohol effects will embolden me. Weed would be fun to try again. I don't know who has any. Life is over, who cares? I just need to use common sense, can't drink and drive, etc. This idea just hit me at a point in time and I immediately acted on it. Same thing happened when I decided to go back to Pitt full time, first day was Monday, May 8, 1989, and to buy the house that closed on Friday, September 30, 1996, to name two examples I remember so well.

The list idea yesterday is working. I carry it in my wallet and add to it. I am feeling to good to do carry this out, but too bad to enjoy ANYTHING. My life's dilema.

May 6, 2009:
I started the JD. About one ounce with some tea to get me started. No big deal.

May 7, 2009:
Went to the gym and did mostly cardio. My heart rate was 117 just from walking on the treadmill at 3.4. This should be done a few times a week for maybe 15 mins or so to keep the heart active. I sprinted a few times to push the limits.

May 18, 2009:
I actually had a date today. It was with a woman I met on the bus in March. We got together at Two PPG Place for lunch. The last date for me was May 1, 2008. Women just don't like me. There are 30 million desirable women in the US (my estimate) and I cannot find one. Not one of them finds me attractive. I am looking at The List I made from my May 4th idea. I forgot about that for several days. That tells me where I stand. These problems have gotten worse over a 30 year period. I need to expect nothing from me or other people. All through the years I thought we had the ability to change ourselves - I guess that is incorrect. Looking at The List makes me realize how TOTALLY ALONE, a deeper word is ISOLATED, I am from all else.
I no longer have any expectations of myself. I have no options because I cannot work toward and achieve even the smallest goals. That is, ABOVE ALL, what bothers me the most. Not to be able to work towards what I want in my life. I believe I am deserve that. I read recently it is called "self efficacy", but who knows. Is that more psychobable?

May 25, 2009:
I was invited to a picnic, and I went. An older woman there, out of the blue, asked if I liked high school. Then quickly asked if I was picked on very much. Intersting why she would ask that. But, thanks, I already know what the problem is, but a solution eludes me.

May 29, 2009:
Another lonely Friday night, I'm done. This is too much.

June 2, 2009:
Some people I was talking with believed I date a lot and get around with women. They think this because I showed an email I got from a hot woman to the department gossip, but it didn't work out. All this is funny. Actually, I haven't had sex since I was 29 years old, 19 years ago. That's true.

June 5, 2009:
I was reading several posts on different forums and it seems many teenage girls have sex frequently. One 16 year old does it usually three times a day with her boyfriend. So, err, after a month of that, this little hoe has had more sex than ME in my LIFE, and I am 48. One more reason. Thanks for nada, bitches! Bye.

July 4, 2009:
Wow, already late evening. I stayed in all day. Can't believe there was NOTHING to do today. No parties or picnics. WTF. No need to leave now.

July 20, 2009:
Been a long time since last write. Everything still sucks. But I got a promotion and a raise, even in this shitty Obama ecomomy. No more grunt programming. Go figure! New boss is great. He tactfully says when you did something wrong or complements on good things. Never confused with him. But that is NOT what I want in life. I guess some of us were simply meant to walk a lonely path. I have slept alone for over 20 years. Last time I slept all night with a girlfriend it was 1982. Proof I am a total malfunction. Girls and women don't even give me a second look ANYWHERE. There is something BLATANTLY wrong with me that NO goddam person will tell me what it is. Every person just wants to be fucking nice and say nice things to me. Flattery. Oh yeah, I am sure you can get a date anytime. You look good, etc. Pussies.
Awwww, wait. I can just start being self-righteous and say I live a good, clean life. I am holy, that's all Rick Knapp stuff. Hear that you mother fucker: I Am Just Good!

July 23, 2009:


I just looked out my front window and saw a beautiful college-age girl leave Bob Fox's house, across the street. I guess he got a good lay today. College girls are hoez. I masturbate. Frequently. He is about 45 years old. She was a long haired, hot little hottie with a beautiful bod. I masturbate. Frequently. Some were simply meant to walk a lonely path in life. I don't usually look out, but just happened to notice. Holy fuck. I have masturbated since age 13. Thanks, mum and brother (by blood alone). And dad, old man, for TOTALLY ignoring me through the years. All of you DEEPLY helped me be this way.

I wish I can go back to 1975 and fix things. Awe, that wont work, big BULLY BROTHER would assert his bull shit. He was twice my size. He never messed with guys bigger than 5'10, or so. He is a PUSSY at heart. Remember, Michael is my brother (we have common parents, that's all) is still a BOSS. Repetition only for emphasis: HE IS ONLY A BULLY, even at 50ish! Never forget that! Because he exudes confidence. People believe bull shit if delivered WITH CONFIDENCE. Get it??

On the same thought, things occured to me today. Michael NEVER had an attractive girlfriend. Debbie, Barb, Kim, ... then I lost track. Not to say I had any (execpt Pam, who was about a 7.25). He married a Chinese-descent, petite woman with no body, no ass, no chest and no personality. She never laughs or smiles, neither does he. But she is highly intelligent and an excellent cook. I can testify to that! She home bakes her own DELICIOUS wheat bread! But who cares about that type of small bull crap? Mike even mentioned when we were visiting dad that "she's not very attractive".

I don't know where I am going with this. I am getting tired, feels good to write and get it all out.

On still another thought, I had 20+ years of sobriety and achieved nothing about friendships, girlfriends, guys, etc. Zilch. What a waste.

Bye, for today.

August 2, 2009:
The biggest problem of all is not having relationships or friends, but not being able to achieve and acquire what I desire in those or many other areas. Everthing stays the same regardless of the effert I put in. If I had control over my life then I would be happier. But for about the past 30 years, I have not

August 3, 2009:
I took off today, Monday, and tomorrow to practice my routine and make sure it is well polished. I need to work out every detail, there is only one shot. Also I need to be completely immersed into something before I can be successful. I haven't had a drink since Friday at about 2:30. Total effort needed. Tomorrow is the big day.

Unfortunately I talked to my neighbor today, who is very positive and upbeat. I need to remain focused and absorbed COMPLETELY. Last time I tried this, in January, I chickened out. Lets see how this new approach works.

Maybe soon, I will see God and Jesus. At least that is what I was told. Eternal life does NOT depend on works. If it did, we will all be in hell. Christ paid for EVERY sin, so how can I or you be judged BY GOD for a sin when the penalty was ALREADY paid. People judge but that does not matter. I was reading the Bible and The Integrity of God beginning yesterday, because soon I will see them.

I will try not to add anymore entries because this computer clicking distracts me.

Also, any of the "Practice Papers" left on my coffee table I used or the notes in my gym bag can be published freely. I will not be embarased, because, well, I will be dead. Some people like to study that stuff. Maybe all this will shed insight on why some people just cannot make things happen in their life, which can potentially benefit others.


1. Probably 99% of the people who know me well don't even think I was this crazy. Told by at least 100 girls/women over the years I was a "nice guy". Not kidding.

2. Lee Ann Valdiserri had my baby in early 1991. Haven't seen her since she was about four months into it. I knew her sister, Chris, from high school.

3. Net worth slightly more than $250K, (after all debt) as of end of 2008.

4. Death Lives!

© 2009 George Sodini
This should not be taken off the web. It is obviously my view and opinion.
Reproduce this as you wish, in its entirity.
**Copy this to usenet/newsgroups where my voice will speak forever!**
Don't modify it, you can correct my spelling errors, I used WordPad.
Unless the names are required legally to be blotted out, then fine. Thanks.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

OK, the rub...

So we head up to CT for this wedding. A great wedding it was. I loved every second of it and the people who were there. The wife and I brought the tribe and stayed at some hotel near New London with the rest of the guests and her family.

The groom and the cousins husband decided that me and the brother in law from Denver should head over to the Grooms house after the rehearsal dinner for some Manly partying. The pre wedding male party. Not a real bachelor party. Just some manly hanging out and a toast for the last breath of freedom.

The cousins husband headed over directly from the rehearsal with them so the brother in law and myself, heading back to the hotel to help put the kids to bed, went down to the pool area to just relax. We almost considered not going at all, but the cousin intimated that her husband was counting on us for a ride home. So we have to go. We decided that an hour tops would satisfy the groom and we could all get back at a decent hour and be good husbands and well rested for the wedding.

Only thing was... A very large bottle of Jack Daniels stood in the way. 15 shots, about a case of beer, and taxi cab ride later and we arrived at the hotel around... I don't remember. I remember someone saying it was 5am. I also remember someone saying that we went to Foxwoods, which was obviously a rumor because I had not lost any money. Not to mention zero memory of it.

Anywho, I'm sitting at the pool the next morning reading, recuperating, and guarding the wee ones take a swim. The gym is right next to it and I wandered in to see a scale. I jump on the scale. This is were I melt down.

Let's put all of this into perspective. I turned 40 in January. I am still pretty active. I play basketball (coached basketball), walk 18 holes of golf probably 2x's a week during the season, I ride a bike with the kids. I play with the kids. The last time I weighed myself I was around the 250ish mark. Which is not good, but I figured I was most likely at maximum density. Couldn't possibly put on another pound. Just not that guy.

The last two weeks my eyes have been shutting down. I can't read so good. So my neighbor gave me a set of his old glasses and they were almost spot on. So I was reading with them.

So here I am... Blind as a bat, and stepping on a scale for the first time in months. I can't read the damn thing cause I left the glasses next to the book I was reading. I squinted a little. somewhere between 270 and 280. WTF IS THAT??? The scale bounced because I jumped off it pretty quickly.

This is not me. No way, no fucking how. This is retarded. I just saw a picture from the wedding. It wasn't of me but I was in the background sitting down. I had to look at it twice to be sure it was me. I didn't recognize myself. I am pissed to say the least.

I shared this with Al who responded, "OOF". I shared it with the retard who said it was "HARD" while calling me a retard. I shared it with JJ who is my compatriot from TX and fellow right winger who only consoled me and said we would try together. And I shared it with PL who offered a prop bet.

I have to lose 50 lbs. by December. That is it. Anyone else want in, you're more than welcome. Hitting 40 was easy. Never gave it another thought. I don't feel 40 and I certainly don't feel 270 lbs. But I certainly can't stand for it.

I'm not going to sit here and chronicle my work out sessions, nor will I tell you what I plan on doing. I'm just going to do something. Not sure exactly what yet, but I will figure it out within the next 12 hours.

270 fucking pounds. WTF???

Monday, August 3, 2009

It's all over

I am a fat fucking monster piece of shit who has ZERO self discipline and ZERO ability to stay motivated on what should be of utmost concern. I have hit critical mass... rock bottom... whatever you want to call it.

Consider this a declaration.