Wednesday, December 3, 2008

They have directly challenged the sovereign power of the United States. They're wrong, They're wrong.

I woke up saturday morning with a gun in my face. I was moaning like a girl all night so she held it up saying that I was going to the ER or she was going to put me out of my misery. My ankle had blown up on friday after trying to dunk on the 10 year old. She low bridged me (the little urchin), and I came crashing down like 260 pounds of bricks. Stepping on an old piece of firewood first.

I got up and called the foul. I Went to the line as she complained that there was no blood (hence no foul), and continued her protest until I bricked the two shots off the rim, twice. Not entirely sure, but I think I heard her mumble "your such a pussy" as I missed the last shot and called it a game.

So I head to the ER on Saturday morning. There was one very young asian med student, and one 110 year old Doc Hogue. I explained the history, and the Doc hogue, sight unseen, told me I had gout. What am I 80? Without any provocation or research, he told me to stop drinking alcohol and no more red meat. The younger doc shook his head but kept quiet.

When the older guy left, the asian kid ordered some x rays, but stated that it would probably not show anything because he didn't think there was a break. But he thought, based on his clinical testing that my achilles tendon had possibly a slight tear. My knee didn't feel to well either but I let that one go because, well, lets figure out the ankle first.

The older doc came back and said that the uric acid test he took came back below normal levels, which didn't necessarily prove or disprove anything. So he released me with Gouty Arthritis, a sprained ankle, and a request to see a specialist. Oh and a prescription for 600mg of Advil.

I take about 1600mg of advil a day anyway so I didnt get the prescription filled. Figured it was a waste of time. 4 at a time twice a day seems to take care of the headaches I usually get.

So I went to the Rothman Institute today. This place is the bomb. They take care of the Phils and the Flyers so I figured I would be in good hands. The pain has yet to subside so I crutched myself in there and saw one of the docs who is a heavyweight there.

He told me that anytime there is ankle pain the first thing they suspect is gout if there was no reason to belive there was an offending situation like playing basketball or turning your ankle on a curb. He also stated that the pain shouldn't be as persistant if it was gout.

They took more xrays right there in the office and he looked at them and said "well, look. You don't have a break of any kind. You do have some calcified shit going on in your joints, but I think there is probably some other things going on here." (Yes, he said shit).

Then he did some clinical things like twisting and moving my ankle around. To which I cried like a bitch and threatened his life and the lives of his children. He said he thought there was some tears there in the surrounding ligaments, and especially one in the achilles. But to make sure he ordered the MRI. Then he asked about the knee.

After some work up on that he laughed and stated that you probably tore your acl, so we will MRI that as well. Then he asked which hurt more, the akle or the knee? I asked if it mattered, and he said good point.

Then he got personal. I told him not to treat me like a 39 year old father of four, rather a 26 year old active athlete. He chuckled and said, "you know, it doesn't help that you're a load. You gotta lose some weight. I don't want to do $70 thousand dollars in surgery, if you choose to, and not have you do anything about losing the pounds (which made sense, but do you really gotta go there?).

What hurt more was the nurse giggling a little in the corner of the room. Actually, this was very cool with me. We talked a little bit about it, and I said, listen , I know the situation, and I have always planned on doing something about it.

He retorted, the issue is that it's all in your gut. Your legs are fine. But to support all those cheesburgers you obviously eat, you gotta just stop and make some drastic changes. He said ideally he would like to see me at 180 lbs., but with my size and musculature, and age 200-220 would do. I guess old people get a little bit of a pass.

I really like docs like this. They listen to everything you say, no matter how trivial it may be. I told him some things that I THOUGHT were important because they bothered me, but turned out to have no bearing on the situation. But he listened. Without that judgement or waiving off, like who cares what you say, I'm the doctor, I know.

Then he told me like it is. In plain and simple terms. I guess cause he knew I could take it that way without being offended. Which I wasn't. At all. So MRI tomorrow to figure out how bad the damage is, then a recommended course of action. There are a ton of things I like to do like play golf, basketball on sundays, etc. I still like to do the outdoorsy stuff. Plus I have a two year old son who will need someone to play linebacker and put him on his ass if he doesn't get through his progressions fast enough.

I guess my weight never bothered me because I am still able to do those things very well. But I think this is it. This is the wake up call.

He put me in a boot until further notice (I hate these fucking things), and sent me on my way.

So I will take whatever course of action is necessary to right the ankle and knee, then I will get on the gym plan. Pain free has never been that important to me. We all live with pain, but this has been unbearable. I look forward to seeing some progress with the weight and getting back to dunking on the 10 year old. Next time, SHE goes down!


Shrike said...

Best of luck; sounds like a great New Year's resolution is brewing.

See you in a week!

Drizztdj said...

You can dunk?

Is this on one of those Fisher-Price adjustable rims with the bell that goes off when you make a basket?

VinNay said...

Be glad its not "the gout." I have an early 30s friend that came down with the gout a few years back. Knocked him on his ass for a while as it took two years to be symptom free after giving up the drink and the bad foods.

As for the weight, you'll be very happy when your son is 16 and you've dropped a bunch of pounds by then rather than put a bunch more on, which is what would happen if you continued down the same path.

Anytime you get the urge for a bacon cheeseburger think of playing ball with your son when he's 16.

Mookie said...

"you know, it doesn't help that you're a load. You gotta lose some weight. I don't want to do $70 thousand dollars in surgery, if you choose to, and not have you do anything about losing the pounds"

Translation: You fat ass cripple :)

Sucks getting old man, good luck with everything.

jamyhawk said...

I'm still holding out hope that I can knock my little linebackers on their ass without cutting out the cheesburgers and beer!

We'll see....

Good luck on your challenge. I'd rather play Phil Ivey heads up for my life savings than give up fried foods and beer. But maybe that's my problem....

SirFWALGMan said...

I had the gout. It hurt.

Pretty cool job the doctor has. He gets paid to call you a fat ass. If I call you a lard butt will you send me 10$ on FT?

pokerpeaker said...

Gout sounds like VD, doesn't it?

You'll be amazed how amazing you'll feel when you do start to take off the weight and exercise more. It will all be worth it. Now let's get cracking. Um, after you heal up.

BamBam said...


I honestly feel, (well, felt!) your pain.

I had a Hockey stick blade jammed into the back of one of my skates at around 16. I was a muscle bound legit athlete........ (wait's for laughter to subside........) at the time.

Riggs, I really hope the achilles tear is only minor. Mine was and I healed up quite nicely in about 7 or 8 weeks.

But I remember "that" pain. I feel for you Riggs. I really do.

But on to more important things. I hate Hospitals period! But any Doc. willing to call you lard-ass and say shit, probably has a little something going for him. FWIW, I say listen.

Instant Tragedy said...


Anytime the doc says something that normally he would just wait until you leave and snicker with the nurses about is fairly serious.

Take care of it.

As for the ten year old, did you call the intentional, because if you got two shots and the ball I'm callin ya a puss.


Get Well!


Tom McMenamin said...

James, if you wanna be a real man and take this fat cock up the ass with no lube, make a point to go get your cholestrol checked also. (granted, you'll have to not eat from the night before until they draw blood, and for fat pieces of shit like you and i, that in and of itself is the real test) We're pretty much the same age and frame (yeah, that's how gay i am....i used the word "frame") and the results from that have inspired me to lose 12-15 lbs already. I personally don't think you can have too many reasons to try and scare yourself to the point that you feel a need to start reeling back in the stallion that we once were and taking a proactive approach to our health.

Julius_Goat said...

Interestingly, I intended for my Stars and Tilt handle to be Julius_Gout. Now I'm stuck with livestock.

Stupid typos.

Alan aka RecessRampage said...

You need to man up to the 10 ft hoops dude.

Fuel is gay.

Wolfshead said...


sorry that you are gimping but it's good not to be the only crip on the block these days. Can relate to the doc's words. Just finished a round of visits and my cholesterol and blood sugar levels are way down and all the other tests came back great but sitting on my ass has added 10lbs and they all gave me hell about that. They ain't gonna let you go.