Monday, March 9, 2009

Will YOU GO TO LUNCH? WILL YOU? GO TO LUNCH!



Sunday started out pretty phat. Nice easy morning, getting some work done, chillin' with the kids. Then I thought of something. Let's get ready for the week! A little preparation never hurt anyone.

I know I'm going to be down in AC at least 2 days, lets get a head start! So I decided to start making some tuna salad for the kiddies lunches. Sounds good. Open can. The can opener is JV (junior varsity for those not in the know), and ALWAYS misses two spots equi-distant from each other. Kinda like hinges.

So, I flip the one side up and bend it back. Only this time, the one end kinda looks like it wants to come off. Easy peasy. I start to tear it off, man-style, with my hands. Now, I have like 57 kids so its a big can of tuna, and I got a really good grip on it. I see the end thats loose and watch it tear away from the can. I'm feelin' pretty strong at this point.

You know, in 40 years, one of the things that has escaped me is all the cautionary advice about opening canned goods. How the hell could someone end up slicing themselves open with a lid from a can? Sure, they're sharp but it's not like it's super sharp. I also couldn't see someone taking a lid and actually slicing it across their hand, or anypart of their body. And I can't, or couldn't see a lid being able to just stab and do damage.

Of course, that was before Sunday.

As the lid tore off of the can, I felt this little twinge in the "thigh" part of my thumb. It didn't slash across. It just "went" into it. I saw blood. A lot of it. and I thought, after I yelled "Jesus Christ", that can't be good.

I didn't look at it. I just grabbed some paper towels and put it over where the blood was and held it over the sink. Then I take a little peak. I saw just a little slice and some tuna. So I washed it off some more, and tried to wipe the little part of the tuna away. Only it wasn't tuna. It was a piece of my torn flesh.

So now I take the whole paper towel off. Truly unbelievable. The first thing I thought was, "you stupid mother fucker." The next thing I thought was, "you know, you could stuff olives and shit in that thing it's so deep". Then I saw my tendon.

At this point, I started a decision tree on whether or not medical asistance would be needed. I've been through things like this before. Actually took a knife across the back of my left hand about 15 years ago while I was in the Marine Corps and that cut right through the tendon of my 4th digit (or ring finger for those of you who can't count). that required surgery. Sometime last summer I took a utility knife to the top of my 1st digit on my right hand while stripping some romex. I didn't seek medical attention for that one and now have a half moon chunk of extra skin on that finger.

This one was different. I snapped a picture of the wound and texted it to several friends. One said it looked like a vag. After looking at it I concurred. I still have the pics on the phone and may upload them to facebook but just haven't done it yet to the comp here. Don't know if it is graphic enough. I really wouldn't be happy unless someone puked.

I remember along the way thinking if my wife had done this, and what my reaction would have been. I think "stupid" would have been thrown around a bit. Yes, I feel stupid. But it's ok. Now I know tuna cans aren't to be messed with.




Edit: Pictures below

















































19 comments:

The Poker Enthusiast said...

Moron.

BWoP said...

Classic phone book moment!

Riggstad said...

Obv!

Fuel55 said...

Smells like tuna, tastes like chicken.

DrChako said...

Useless without pics.

-DrC

DrChako said...

Excellent! That's a serious gash. Well done.

-DrC

PS. You should probably take the full course of antibiotics (if they gave you any).

OhCaptain said...

Hehe.

Schaubs said...

No puke, but stomach hurts.

is that your mouse hand?

Schaubs said...

No puke, but stomach hurts.

is that your mouse hand?

smokkee said...

OW

SirFWALGMan said...

Dumb fuck serves you right for eating Sea Kittens! I think the gash looks like a Sci-Fi horror movie when they guy looks down at his hand and an eyeball blinks up at him. Totally retarded.

Astin said...

Vagtastic.

For his next trick, Riggs will cut TOWARDS his fingers and then wiz on the electric fence.

BigMike said...

Pics are priceless. Dare I say, peanut butter jelly time?

Wolfshead said...

Smooth move Ex-lax. Guess you're gonna be celibate for at least a week or two.

KenP said...

There seems to be slow learning here concerning cans and tables.

http://www.amazon.com/Oxo-Good-Grips-Smooth-Opener/dp/B000079XW2/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=home-garden&qid=1236698300&sr=8-1

Want to really be embarrassed? Even I knew better and got one of the above long ago.

LuckTruck said...

So.... did you eat the tuna or what???

BamBam said...

I learned years ago.....

The woman deal with the cans, the men open the jars. It's just a fact of life!

Oh and....... you know that was right up there with, "who needs a coat in Canada in February" right?

:p

Drizztdj said...

Charlie tuna is not to be triffled with.

Next time he's gonna aim his razor sharp edges lower.

Alan aka RecessRampage said...

:puking: