WAAAAAAAH!!!

Does it seem like shit is just going bad lately? Like really bad for everyone? The analytical part of me says it's just my age. Or OUR age. That is, those of us in our 40's, shit like this just happens. Cycle of life type shit.

loved ones pass with more frequency, friends get sick, life issues happen. I understand it and expect it. A neighbor died a couple, three years ago and my father in his wisdom said, "get used to it kid, you're at the age where you will be going to more funerals than weddings, and on a more frequent basis."

But it's really starting to wear. Both my sister and Aunt have been diagnosed with cancer. My aunt has it all over... pancreas, kidneys, lung, and they are doing a brain scan today based on history that says he type she has usually gets there eventually. My sister has very special kind of cancer which I never heard of and can't even fathom. It's in a place were you would never think of and puzzles the shit out of me because I never heard such a thing.

The encouraging part is that they were both diagnosed a month apart, and over 6 months ago. My aunt seems to be doing fairly well, but obviously is in a dire position. My sister was cleared and then two weeks ago got the bad news that it was back. Or at least still there.

My father had a blip the other day as well. Nothing big, but just enough to piss me off. Just another reminder that his 75 years are pushing the envelope of his own family history. He has managed to out live his parents deaths by 5 and 10 years. He seems to think that this is some kind of benchmark and is feeling "lucky" that he has made it this far. Fucking Joke.

See, I don't get sad in these situations. I get angry. Jammed up, if you will. To the point where I speak down to people. Especially doctors. "Look John, you are not as smart as I am so just say what you want to say and I'll figure it out". I said that to one of the doctors.

That stuff makes me sad after the fact because after I get home and settle in, it reminds me of how much of an asshole I can be. And I'm really not an asshole. I just hate bullshit. Tell me what you need to tell me without sugar coating things so that we can get something done. So that we can start a plan of action. Everything else is horseshit.

On top of this, a lot of people close to me are reeling financially because of job losses, or other horseshit. Then I hear about an $1100 weekly bill for pills that someone needs for cancer treatment from the pharmacy. That person decides to go through Mail order and can get them for $65 via that route. Only to be told that the insurance company actually will cover the expense. She then gets the bill from the insurance company showing what they were charged.... $20,000.

Health care reform needs to come. But it needs to come internally. Within the industry. Not among the subscribers. It's all a horseshit money grab. Fucking pigs.

I understand these are issues that everyone deals with, and I am feeling pretty fucking happy that I am not dealing with some issues others are having as well, and I keep them all in my prayers. You know who you are. We all know who they are. The old adage "If everyone threw all of their problems into a big pile, most would pick their own right back out" holds true.

I'm just looking for a light at the end of the tunnel, but don't expect one. I've been finding peace in little pieces throughout the day from my kids, my wife, the neighbors kids, family and friends. But when we sit down at the end of the day in a dark room thinking and staring at a computer screen smashing buttons my mind starts to wonder and thoughts of why we live in a geographical place where the scenery is so cookie cutter when we could be in the mountains of New Zealand, or the beaches of the Carribean... Yeah, I know the answer, but those thoughts happen. And the older I get, the more sense it makes.

I'm heading up to the Aunts this weekend with all the brothers and sisters and their families for a labor day weekend camp out on her property in the Poconos. I can't wait for it to happen. I plan on getting bat shit drunk on Saturday and fishing and camping with the kids. Poker with the brothers and sisters and wives and husbands, and an overall session of sitting in front of the fire for hours on end solving the worlds problems. Or more like arguing with my brothers. I hope we have chance to realize just how lucky we are.