Friday, April 3, 2009

By request, and for the good of all man kind...

The Doc put up a post about his worst moment ever at a poker table. Then Waffles decided to throw out the request for others tales from the felt.

I thought I would oblige. Reason being is that for one, I have plenty. Secondly, I felt bad about the Doc's experience and figured I would post one that would leave him feeling a little more than ok about his experience.

This is quite possibly the most embarrassing thing that I have ever done. At the time, I was just, and correct in my actions. About an hour up the expressway, I started feeling very sad and disappointed in myself. I believe I have recounted this story to a few of you, so if you remember it, and do not wish to recall one of my worst moments ever as a human being... move on.

I call it the wheel chair story.

I had gone down to the Borgata, maybe 3, 4 years ago, with some friends. A bunch of them. We had all decided to play the daily tournament. I believe it was a $300 friday tourney and I believe it was because we were celebrating someones birthday. Whatever the reason, we all had our own little ridiculous bad beat story that put us out of the tourney. All except Lucktruck, who was still pushing chips around and eventually getting into the top 27 until his day ended in the most retarded fashion. At least we got to play some cash :)

Anyway, 2 of us sat down at a $1/$2 table where there seemed to be a lot of action. I was in the 1 seat, and my buddy (chang) was in the 4 seat. It was a full table and there was a gentleman sitting in a wheel chair in seat 7. This guy was rolling and had about $2k in front of him.

We sat and played at that table for a good 8 hours. It was a fun table and we all started out jawing and telling stories about the day and past experiences. The guy in the two seat was from Delaware and was just an overall fun guy. The dude sitting across from me was a jock, yuppie type who turned out to also be very cool. The three of us mixed it up a lot during the session and we all had a good time.

The only issue was the guy in the wheel chair. Now, he was smacking the deck like I've never seen before. He would flop quads and get it all in against a guy with Aces. He would turn nut flushes against a guy who would turn a straight. That type of thing. He just kept mowing people down. That wasn't the issue.

The issue became apparent when another young, skinny, latino guy sat next to him in the 6 seat. This poor guy had no clue of what he was doing. He would buy in for the full $300 and get it all in with A high, or bottom pair, or second pair, and dusted off about $1500 in about 40 min. He just kept rebuying. The most horrible part about it was that the guy in the wheel chair kept analyzing his play. Telling him what to do, what not to do, where he went wrong. And he kept doing it loud enough so that the whole table would hear him. Not only that, he would make sure that everyone at the table knew that he was talking to the table as well.

Then he went on to tell the table how the Borgata gives him a free room, free meals, he's here once a month, they worship him, he wins everytime he's here, and that the rest of us have no shot. He wasn't doing this in a malicious way either, rather than being as a matter of fact about it.

The people on my end of the table were getting tired of it. I just sat there and kept my mouth shut, not letting it bother me. I've played with folks like this on numerous occasions. I've always found it more satisfying to just take their chips and smirk after doing so, but this guy was crushing every hand. He hit every draw, every flop, and usually against a guy who made second nuts, or even nuts on the flop.

I pretty much stayed away from the guy knowing he was running so hot, but three times I made nuts and really forced the issue. He folded everytime to aggression.

Here's where it starts to get sticky. I play back at him one time with junk just to keep him honest. This happens after a hand where he folds to me. And he mumbles something about "does this guy even have the first clue of who he's dealing with?". He says it to the latino guy who is about $1200 deep into his eventual $1500 loss. The latino guy laughs. That pissed me off more than what the dude in the wheel chair said. I don't show any outward signs of anger, scoop the pot and move on.

The very next hand Mr. Latino and the wheel chair get into it with the latin guy shoving on the turn. Wheel chair says, "man, I told you to protect against those draws", and snap calls with yet another turned straight. Mr. Latino stands up to leave and wheel chair starts giving him lessons. Literally as the guy is trying to walk away. And it's not in a nice way. The latino guy walks away waving good bye as if he doesn't understand english, and wheel chair says to the table, "man, some guys will just never get it."

I look at the yuppie across from me and he rolls his eyes. Chang looks disgusted and bored by the comment, and the dude from delaware whispers under his breath, "will someone please shut this cripple up". I was the only one who heard it being right next to him. I didn't acknowledge him saying it, but that was it for me. Now the dude is pissing off my friends.

So I speak up. I lean toward the table and I look at him and ask, "hey, how long have you been playing this game?". He looks startled and replies, " two days". I then say, "no, seriously, I just want to know.". He answers, "two years, how long have you been playing?"

This is where I start my little banter that sets the course for the impending blow up...

"Well, I've been playing long before they opened up the first room in Atlantic City. So let me give YOU some advice". He shakes his head and says "yeah, right!" Chang looks at him and gives him a head nod in confirmation of my statement.

"What advice could you give me?" he snapped. I replied, "The first thing is, don't do that." I was motioning to the latino guy walking away. "That guy just lost his rent for the month and no one wants advice from the guy who took it by snapping off nut flops and hitting 18% draws. Secondly, no one else here wants to listen to you speak anymore. So do us a favor. Turn off your sewer and just play the game."

He didn't say anything. He just looked like a kid who was repremanded for stealing candy, and went on his with his business.

Fast forward 4 orbits. Regardless of what has transpired, we are all still having a good time. Another one of my friends come to the table and sits in the 6 seat. The very first hand he calls a 4 way raised pot, and the flop comes A A 8. He leads out on the flop. Remember, this is his first hand. Wheel chair reraises, and delaware sitting next to me giggles and shows me his A T, and repops to like $65.

My buddy shoves, and wheel chair flat calls. Mr. Delaware finds this even more amussing and mucks, knowing that wheel chair most likely has this hand locked up.

My buddy tables A 6 and wheel chair opens up 88. The board blanks and wheel chair scoops a good $500+ profit.

The friend looks stunned and rebuys. Wheel chair can't help himself and comments on how good a player he is and I shoot him a look. He stops his rant, and just continues to stack his chips.

The very next hand I am dealt QQ with almost a thousand behind. Mr. Yuppie who has a nice sized stack open raises for $10. Wheel chair flat calls, and I make it $47 to go. Yuppie calls and Wheel chair calls behind. The flop comes Kc Qs Ah. I'm not too particurly fond of this flop, but I gather Mr. Yuppie has something like AK and am feeling very confident that I will get a good chunk of his. Wheel chair could very well have the TJ, given his range, and how hard he has been hitting flops, but it doesn't scare me. I know he is raising his made hands, so I will soon find out.

Being first to act on the flop, I lead out with a $130 bet, and Mr. Yuppie min raises. Wheel chair thinks and flat calls. Now, I like this flat call because it tells me he is absolutely on a draw. With this much action he was likely to get in as much as possible right there, so I go to about $530 when it gets back to me. I made this bet because I want to entice Mr. Yuppie to shove, and hopefully get wheel chair out of the way. If yuppie has KK or AA, so be it. But with his preflop action, it wasn't likely, based on his play most of the day that is.

Mr. Yuppie grimaces, and reluctantly folds (he told me later that he actually held AK). Wheel chair, again flats. This makes me laugh cause now I am about $400 left, and he knows that I have to put it in regardless of what comes on the turn. The turn comes the 4c putting two clubs on the board and I snap shove all in. If he has TJ, oh well.

He thinks again and reluctantly lets $400+ in chips fall ot of his hand onto the felt. I open up my middle set, and he sits there looking at the dealer to peel the river. The dealer burns and I say "wait a minute. Open up your cards". He says he doesn't want to, and I say "If you want to see that river you're going to or I'm scooping this pot right now." The dealer gets all flustered and wheel chair says, "whats your issue man?" I reply that I want to know at least what I'm drawing against, and he should have at least learned ethics in the short amount of time he has played this game.

He throws his cards down on the table and shows Tc 8c for a flush draw and a gutterball. The table gasps, and the floor person (who came over during our little dialouge) tells the dealer to ship the river. What do you know! A brand new shiny club hits the felt.

Here is where the fun begins..... (I know, long post)

I'm standing up, and I throw my cards at the table, A'la Phil Helmuth style. The one hit my buddy in the head. I can't imagine what I looked like, but I start screaming quite loud, "Man you're a stud. You're really good. You should be giving lessons to EVERYONE." Things are racing in my head trying to tell me to calm down but I just can't.

I peel another $300 from my pocket and lay it on the table. I know the floor person, and he knows me, and he puts his hand on my shoulder. I'm still standing up. I'm ready to stop myself and just continue on, but wheel chair giggles, and says something to the guy next to him about how I wouldn't understand that play and that he had every right to play it the way he did.

Que the video of a volcano exploding.

"What the fuck did you just say?!?!?" "I wasn't talking to you", he said. "I want to know what the fuck you just said" Floor person whispers in my ear to stop with the language.

"You know what, nevermind. Just keep your mouth shut. Don't say another word while I'm at this table. Don't even order another drink. As a matter of fact, I would suggest you leave now."

He starts to explain why and how he played the hand that way, and I just restated very plainly... "Dude, shut the fuck up." He kept going, "Christopher Reeves, Shut your fucking mouth". "Don't make me have to say it again."

My buddy says "dude, your out of line." I snap back.. "unless you want to spend the next 5 minutes picking teeth up off the floor, you'll shut your mouth". Another guy sitting next to wheelchair says something to me about being out of line.

I snap at him... "Do you really want to get involved with this. DO YOU? Cause I can involve you if you want me to. Hell, there might be two people at the table sitting in a wheel chair." The floor person is now trying to pull me away and talk to me while the dealer is cutting out my new buy-in. Wheel chair is sitting back in his chair, now trying to apologize. I go from telling him to shut the fuck up to asking him how the hell he can justify making those calls, back to telling him to shut up again.

Chang gets up and says, c'mon man, let's go get something to eat. I say, "yeah, that's a good idea. I better leave before I end up taking a life at this table." I then look at wheel chair and say, "look at me. I'm walking away from the table. I'm WALKING away from the table." as I make a motion with my first two fingers walking.

We go and get some chow, and chang talks me down a little, saying "dude, it's not like you haven't seen beats like that before." He's right, but not from a guy who wouldn't shut his fucking cake hole. This guy irked the shit out of me with his lessons, and stardom at the Borg, and so on. Moreso was the fact that he was bothering all of the other players. I was steamed.

We go back to the table, my seat is still saved. Delaware and yuppie both welcome me back, and I made a statement about it being nice to calm down before I killed someone. Wheel chair says, "yeah, look, I'm really sorry, and thanks for not killing me" in a sincere and humerous kind of way.

I looked at him square in the eyes and told him to shut up. "Seriously dude, don't say another word" Not to me, not to anyone.

Surprisingly I didn't get kicked out of the room. I guess being known, and knowing people have their benefits. Either way, I was in no shape to play, and ended up dusting off the $300 on an AJ spade draw with a pair of aces on the flop. The guy next to me flopped a set and I missed.

The three of us got up and left the casino. We laughed about it in the car, or they laughed at me rather for about a good 20 minutes, and then embarrassment set in. I really felt horrible. I never saw that guy again, but I still look for him to this day to offer my apologies.

I hope this makes the doc feel better. Of course this happened before I was a blogger :)


Instant Tragedy said...


Why didn't you "escort" him to the ladies room ...

Wow, now looking back at it , you can laugh about it.



BamBam said...

Big bully!

Shrike said...

Just. Awesome.


Mookie said...

"He throws his cards down on the table and shows Tc 8c for a flush draw and a gutterball."


jjok said...

I'd be megapissed too, but I couldn't do it.....

I woulda "walked"......pardon the awful pun......

BWoP said...

Wow. As I read that post, I could very vividly picture you getting all jammed up at the table.

BWoP said...

And you knew that crub was coming, right?

BamBam said...


I <3 BWop !

smokkee said...

the next time we play live poker, i'm gonna roll up in a wheel chair to put you on insta-tilt.

1Queens Up1 said...

lmfao dude. Walking motion with your fingers, classic!

The Wife said...

The finger walking was good . . .

Guess we all need a chill pill now and then.

DrChako said...

Bless you, man.


PokahDave said...

This is good....Jeff Spicoli good!

lightning36 said...

Motherfaucker. So it was you! I'm healed now and can walk. I'll kick the living chit out of you if I ever see you again.

Walk on that!

Drizztdj said...

I thought maybe you'd throw a manhood comment or two in there :)

Wish I played more live because I got nearly that steamed in Vegas last week and didn't know how to deal with it.

Alan aka RecessRampage said...

I must be the devil... I at least expected you to kick the wheelchair... I laughed really hard at the walking motion.

And yes I'm trying to catch up on my blog reads.

Fuel is gay.